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Sept. 21, 1850.] ffifjtf %ta1ttt. 621
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S O N O. Loaves upon the river strewn, C...
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Note: This text has been automatically extracted via Optical Character Recognition (OCR) software. The text has not been manually corrected and should not be relied on to be an accurate representation of the item.
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Confessions Of A Timid Lover. (Jli Amori...
I went licnne and spent the evening with my flute . I sent my letter by post , adding a gentle postcript touching our late meet ing , and imploring for an interview . Two days elapsed without any rep I was feverish with impatience . On the third day I received this note : — " cruel cruel beloved You Will have it then it Must be so you will Not contented without the sacrafice I cannot with Stand you I am Such a Syp let it Be so I will be a catacomb and not rezist more the warnings of reson are in Vane I will meet you to night at the corener of mornington p hampstead Road at 9 you will Find your Amelia . " She was punctual . St . Pancras church was striking nine as I saw her tripp along Mornington-place . I descried her at some distance , and she made signs to me . To my astonishment she was no longer in mourning . I thoug that symbolical . It was clear that she had cast aside her sadness and was about to enter upon a new epoch of love and joy . Her change of dress had so much altered her appearance that had it not been for her signal I should not have known her as she approached . Alas ! no sooner was she close to me than I discovered , not the pensive girl who had captivated me , but a pugnosed , red-haired , florid-faced , cruell ugly charmer , whom I recognized as the foremost to answer my signs from the window . By what mischance was I doomed to this ? She accosted me in a languishing tone and with languishing fishy eyes . cold shiver ran over me . In a faint voice I asked : " Are ... you ... Miss Hodgson ? " " Yes , dearest Jasper , " she replied , timidly throwing her eyes , first upon the pavement , and then lovingly up at me . " Yes , it is me . " She might as well have said " It is I , " was my mental ejaculation ; but offered her my sullen arm , and we walked on in uneasy silence . It was now clear to me that I had been deceived as to the name of my adored , and that my correspondence had been with another ; and that other ... ! All that was obscure in my past adventure now became intel ligible . This was the Amelia who adored me—whom I had so misled ! I looked under her bonnet : her eyes were moist with emotion . I thought they did not look so fishy as I remarked their tenderness . Love excuses small defects ; nay , it excuses monstrous defects . Disgusted , as I had every reason to be , with the substitution of this pugnosed mantuamaker for the sad romantic beauty I had courted , yet I could not remain unmoved at the warmth of her affection . I was grateful to her . I had unsettled her thoughts —had won her heart—unwittingly , it is true ; but I was too much of a gen tlcman to undeceive her . Then I recalled the ardent passion of her letters . How devoted she was to me ! Love sheds a lustre over the meanest object ; and I began to find , as we walked to Primrose-hill , that if she was not strictly handsome yet there was something charming about her . Her sensibility was great ; so was her appetite . She had stopped twice on our way through Camden-town to eat ices and tarts . I did not think less of her on this account . I had read Paul dc Kock , and knew how voracious were grisettes ; and could not suppose that English grisettes were less friandes . We rambled sentimentally over Primrose-hill , where we met several couples equally loving . I observed that the nurses who came here were equally goodnatured , never interfering with the sports of their little charges ^ but allowing them full liberty to wander about whither they pleased , while the nurses themselves chatted and laughed with their " cousins . " Amelia felt the approaches of hunger , and proposed a descent upon Chalk farm , where in a rural arbour we had tea , muffins , shrimps , ginger beer , gooseberries , and seed cake . She ate with relish , and laughed and talked quite gaily ; looking at me with ineffable tenderness , and from lime to time taking off her apple- green kid glove to place her hand affectionately in mine , which she held , squeezing it gently , till more food came and diverted her attention . This infantile naivete in the demonstration of her affection pleased me much ; and , though I could not help remarking the horny roughness which constant sewing had given to her finger , yet I said to myself , " How infinitely superior is this rough , honest hand , to the insipid softness of a frivolous flirt . " Among other things she told me she admired my performances on the flute . 1 thought that a pleasing instance of her taste : it showed she was not without refinement . On parting we agreed to meet on the following evening . We met several times . It was always the same thing : tenderness and tarts—protestations and ices—rambles and ginger beer . She told me she was always hungry when she was happy ; and , to judge by her appetite , she must have been supremely happy in my society—as , indeed , I believe she was ; for she was never tired of paying me pretty little compliments . One evening I observed she passed the pastrycook ' s door and would not enter . It seemed strange to me ; still more strange when she passed a second shop . It was evident that she was unhappy . Indeed , she now began to show the si # ns of mental distress . I questioned her in vain . She affected to laugh it off ' . Yet , her laughter was always broken by a sigh , and our conversation was once or twice interrupted by her sobs . I was really affected , and insisted on knowing the cause . She consented to sit in the arbour . Ginger beer was brought . She drank some , and then , putting down the glass with an action of despair , she stojipecl not to wipe away the froth which circled her lips , but said gloomily : — " Sinoo you must know it—my father is going to jail . " " To jail , Amelia ! and for what ? " " For debt . " \
- ly . be her my lace ing ht y A I - < i ' < - 1 < t r t t a j < ri d ft u ti A s < S re w qi I be wj in wi in I was silent—embarrassed . et- " It is but a small sum—eight pound seven—yet , it is too large for him ly . O my poor father !" Here her sobs broke forth again . " Amelia ! Love ! Dry your eyes ... Accept the sum from me ... You refuse ? be ... Do not shake your head and sob so ! Accept this token of my interest in ier you . Do not let pride stand between us ... " iy "Oh ! " she sobbed . "Oh ! oh !" ... Don ' t ! don't ! ... Not from you , not ce from you ! Oh ! oh ! oh ! " " Why not from me ? " , g "Never let the word mo ... money ... pass between us : it will sully the j e purity of our affection . Qh ! oh ! oh ! " at " But you cannot let your father go to prison /' as " Qh ! oh ! how horrible ! " l ( j " Dearest ! dearest ! do not be proud . " d " Well , then ... if ... if ... if you insist ... But , as a loan , mind you ! Not as a gift I Recollect , it isn't anything but a loan ! " re I called for a piece of paper , and wrote her a cheque for the amount . She [ y kissed the cheque and was happy . Her eyes were dry in a few minutes . She n was radiant again ; and called for some gooseberries , which she ate with gusto , pelting me playfully with the skins . On the following evening she was miserable again . The debt had been only eight pound seven ; but the law expenses had amounted to four pounds eight and four-pence ; and she brought me back my cheque , thanking me a for my noble high-souled generosity , but that it was unavailing . To jail her father must go . I I did not feel quite easy about this ; and yet , the most corrupt of mankind could never have suspected such an artless girl ; so I took out my purse , and / handed her the money , which she accepted after a long struggle , and after t asking the universe at large whether I were an angel in a human form , _ or not ? Not to dwell longer upon details , I began to find my love affair rather b expensive , Amelia had so great a fancy for Regent-street on account of 3 Very ' s and the riband shops ! Her father , too , seemed to be a most impror vident man . No sooner did I relieve him from one difficulty than he fell into j another . ; The following anonymous letter opened my eyes : — 3 " Sir , —I know not whether propriety will excuse the step I am taking , but . I cannot longer remain an indifferent witness of the tricks played upon your credulous generosity . » " Miss H odgson not only plunders you , Sir , but laughs at you . You arc i the jest of her companions . I know that anonymous communications seldom ¦ merit confidence , but you can at once test the truth of this . If Miss Hodgson does not to-night tell you a pathethic story respecting her father ' s arrest and the necessity for twelve pounds to relieve him , then disregard this warning , and believe all she says . " The hand-writing was feminin ^ and I tried to think the letter dictated by jealousy , but could not help fee | ipg extremely uncomfortable about it . I recalled Amelia's unceasing evidences of affection—and I am not one to be deceived on such a point ; but they were counterbalanced by the wretched fact , which admitted of no denial , that her father certainly was singularly unfortunate , and that my supplies had been suspiciously frequent . I went irresolute to the meeting , hoping to be convinced of my Amelia's truth . Alas ! my anonymous informant was but too correct . I suffered Amelia to tell her story , and then , instead of drying her eyes or checking her sobs , I informed her with quiet dignity that I had no more money to give . She upbraided me after finding coaxing was vain . I was insensible to her reproaches , inexorable in my resolution , and we parted in anger . " Don't write to me , " she said . " I shall refuse your letters : so don ' t write !" " I will not , " I replied quietly . I did not write ; but she wrote to me . I took apartments in another quarter of the town . She found me out , and pestered me with letters which I never answered . They were eloquent , but ill-spelled : and now the bad spelling had quite a different effect upon me . Love no longer cast its film before my eyes , and her vulgarity was apparent in every stroke of the pen . Finding her letters touched me not , she constantly threw herself in my way , hoping that the sight of her would revive her power . But I persisted in not seeing her . One day she came behind me , and , passing her arm within mine , looked lovingly up in my face , saying : — " Jasper ! are you , then , cruel ? " When I am put upon my dignity I can be very haughty a nd imposing ; so in the coldest tone , I replied : — " I am inexorable ! " Then , taking to my heels , I ran rapidly away !
Sept. 21, 1850.] Ffifjtf %Ta1ttt. 621
Sept . 21 , 1850 . ] ffifjtf % ta 1 ttt . 621
S O N O. Loaves Upon The River Strewn, C...
S O N O . Loaves upon the river strewn , Clouds asleep upon the moon , Flowers that ere their time have faded , Prisoned birds from sunlight shaded , Darken all our gladness . Hut the heart by love forsaken , ] Jut the heart that will not wuken To the grace in sky or earth , Morning ' s joy or evening ' s mirth , Saddens even sadness , M .
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Citation
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Leader (1850-1860), Sept. 21, 1850, page 21, in the Nineteenth-Century Serials Edition (2008; 2018) ncse.ac.uk/periodicals/l/issues/cld_21091850/page/21/
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